When I was in sixth grade, my teacher gave us this assignment. We were to create a personal time line of our lives' events. The fun part of the assignment--we didn't just include past events--we got to include future events as we suspected them to happen. When I was finished with the project, I had created the time line of the perfect life. Aside from my past achievements (learning to walk, learning to speak), I predicted I would get my driver's license on my 16th birthday, I'd graduate from high school in 2002, I'd graduate from college in 2006, I'd graduate from veterinary school in 2010, and I'd be married the same year (to a man with a mustache). In 2012, I would give birth to twin girls, Jodi and Jasmine. Surely, I would retire sometime in the year 2049. I planned by death date one day short of my 100th birthday (I've always been one for irony).
I hung that time line up in my room for quite some time and I thought warmly of this perfect little future.
But life happens. I didn't get my driver's license until after my 17th birthday because I was always too busy with theater and church events to practice my driving. My high school graduation date was predetermined, but I wore a different color cap and gown from the picture I drew in 6th grade. I graduated from college in 2006 as predicted, but I didn't immediately go into veterinary (or any grad school for that matter) school. It's already 2009, but I'm already married. And he doesn't have a mustache.
I've just been rejected (again) for grad school. I'm old enough to know that life doesn't always follow the path that we'd like it to take, but I honestly feel very lost at the moment. I don't know what my next step should be.
Being rejected from school, when it's the thing you want most in the world at the moment, isn't just hard. It's soul crushing. I am listless. I have very little motivation. I feel out of control. When I found out, I threw on my running clothes and ran until my lungs burned and my heart was threatening to jump out of my chest. I got in my car and cranked the music so loud the windows shook. I drowned out my thoughts.
I'm seeking salvation. I could win the lottery. I could drink myself under the table. I could have a baby. I could write the great American novel. I could start my own business. Anything at this point to define myself and give my life purpose.
I'm blessed, I know. I have a loving husband who would jump through hoops of fire just to see me smile. I have a family who loves me despite everything. I have a roof over my head. But I still can't help feel like a failure. The time line still haunts me.
It's already 2009. How am I supposed to go to grad school, establish a career, and have twin baby girls before my 29th birthday?
~LOVE~
3.25.2009
3.13.2009
The Stars Align
So, as far as an update regarding my last post--my plum tree currently has about five tiny white blossoms on it. Nothing to report in regards to the peach tree. My lemon tree is COVERED is just-about-to-bud blossoms. I'll keep you all updated on that situation. My pomegranate tree has a few leaves on it now, too.
Last night, the stars aligned in the most amazing way. Both of my tutoring appointments were cancelled AND Fernando's class got cancelled. So after work, I stopped by Urban Home and ended up buying a kitchen table. It's counter-height, European-rustic looking, and comes with four sizable and comfortable chairs. It should be ready for pick-up next week. I am so excited to finally be getting a kitchen table. Now I get to pick out place mats! After paying for my table, I headed home. Fernando and I pulled into the driveway at the same time. We decided that in honor of our both being home early on a weekday, and the fact that it was still light outside, we were going to do a BBQ. We swung by Albertsons and bought some vittles. For dinner, we made Angus beef hamburgers with Muenster cheese, avocado, and all the fixings. We also threw some zucchini on the grille. It was a delicious dinner! We capped off the night with a new episode of The Office.
My grad school application has been into Cal State Long Beach for two weeks now. I still have at least four more weeks to wait until I discover my fate. If I do get in, my first day of classes will be August 31st. I have been charmed by the idea of going back to school. Mostly because this means I'll finally be able to quit my day job. If I get in, I think my last day will be August 1st. This will free me up to go camping with my family in August, a luxury I was going to miss if I kept working. I'll still going to be tutoring in the summer, so I think taking a whole month off will be financially do-able (not to mention a dream come true).
Two weeks from now, I'll be preparing to board a plane to Las Vegas for Yvonne's bachelorette party bonanza. I am thrilled about this mini-vacation. I'll be taking a half-day from work that Friday, and my dad has agreed to drop me off at the Burbank airport so I can catch my flight. All the girls are staying together at the Luxor. The first night will be the "official" party night with games and drinks and presents, followed by a night at the new LAX club inside the Luxor. The second night will be themed. All of us girls have been asked to wear "little black dresses." We're doing a nice sit-down dinner at the P.F. Chang's inside the Planet Hollywood and following that up with a night at the Pure nightclub inside of Caesar's Palace. This will be somewhat of a pricey weekend for me, but I've pre-paid for a lot of it (including my flight, hotel, outfits, gifts for Yvonne, etc) over the past couple of months, so I think the expenses incurred over the actual weekend won't get out of hand. As you can tell, I am very excited!
More house news--we're finally getting a washer and dryer on Monday! One of Fernando's vendors from work is having a crazy sale on scratch and dent pieces. We're only paying about $300 for a matching, front-loading washer/dryer combo! Also, we've decided to go ahead and re-do the smaller bathroom (the one attached to our bedroom). My dad already ripped out the sink and built-in cabinets. Even though we're loosing storage space, switching to a pedestal sink is going to make it seem a lot more luxurious. I'm thinking a white and soft mint/teal color combination will work well--a smooth transition from the taupe and white in our bedroom.
Did I mention that I'm less than a month away from my week-long trip to NYC? Not only do I get to see my BFF, Tanya, but I get to spend a week with Kenia. Also, my sorority sister, Daisy, will be in NYC the same week as me, so we're definitely going to spend some time together. And finally--Danny is going to fly into NYC for the first weekend that I'm going to be there. It will be a Cal Poly, SLO reunion in the middle of New York City!
~LOVE~
Last night, the stars aligned in the most amazing way. Both of my tutoring appointments were cancelled AND Fernando's class got cancelled. So after work, I stopped by Urban Home and ended up buying a kitchen table. It's counter-height, European-rustic looking, and comes with four sizable and comfortable chairs. It should be ready for pick-up next week. I am so excited to finally be getting a kitchen table. Now I get to pick out place mats! After paying for my table, I headed home. Fernando and I pulled into the driveway at the same time. We decided that in honor of our both being home early on a weekday, and the fact that it was still light outside, we were going to do a BBQ. We swung by Albertsons and bought some vittles. For dinner, we made Angus beef hamburgers with Muenster cheese, avocado, and all the fixings. We also threw some zucchini on the grille. It was a delicious dinner! We capped off the night with a new episode of The Office.
My grad school application has been into Cal State Long Beach for two weeks now. I still have at least four more weeks to wait until I discover my fate. If I do get in, my first day of classes will be August 31st. I have been charmed by the idea of going back to school. Mostly because this means I'll finally be able to quit my day job. If I get in, I think my last day will be August 1st. This will free me up to go camping with my family in August, a luxury I was going to miss if I kept working. I'll still going to be tutoring in the summer, so I think taking a whole month off will be financially do-able (not to mention a dream come true).
Two weeks from now, I'll be preparing to board a plane to Las Vegas for Yvonne's bachelorette party bonanza. I am thrilled about this mini-vacation. I'll be taking a half-day from work that Friday, and my dad has agreed to drop me off at the Burbank airport so I can catch my flight. All the girls are staying together at the Luxor. The first night will be the "official" party night with games and drinks and presents, followed by a night at the new LAX club inside the Luxor. The second night will be themed. All of us girls have been asked to wear "little black dresses." We're doing a nice sit-down dinner at the P.F. Chang's inside the Planet Hollywood and following that up with a night at the Pure nightclub inside of Caesar's Palace. This will be somewhat of a pricey weekend for me, but I've pre-paid for a lot of it (including my flight, hotel, outfits, gifts for Yvonne, etc) over the past couple of months, so I think the expenses incurred over the actual weekend won't get out of hand. As you can tell, I am very excited!
More house news--we're finally getting a washer and dryer on Monday! One of Fernando's vendors from work is having a crazy sale on scratch and dent pieces. We're only paying about $300 for a matching, front-loading washer/dryer combo! Also, we've decided to go ahead and re-do the smaller bathroom (the one attached to our bedroom). My dad already ripped out the sink and built-in cabinets. Even though we're loosing storage space, switching to a pedestal sink is going to make it seem a lot more luxurious. I'm thinking a white and soft mint/teal color combination will work well--a smooth transition from the taupe and white in our bedroom.
Did I mention that I'm less than a month away from my week-long trip to NYC? Not only do I get to see my BFF, Tanya, but I get to spend a week with Kenia. Also, my sorority sister, Daisy, will be in NYC the same week as me, so we're definitely going to spend some time together. And finally--Danny is going to fly into NYC for the first weekend that I'm going to be there. It will be a Cal Poly, SLO reunion in the middle of New York City!
~LOVE~
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