When I was in sixth grade, my teacher gave us this assignment. We were to create a personal time line of our lives' events. The fun part of the assignment--we didn't just include past events--we got to include future events as we suspected them to happen. When I was finished with the project, I had created the time line of the perfect life. Aside from my past achievements (learning to walk, learning to speak), I predicted I would get my driver's license on my 16th birthday, I'd graduate from high school in 2002, I'd graduate from college in 2006, I'd graduate from veterinary school in 2010, and I'd be married the same year (to a man with a mustache). In 2012, I would give birth to twin girls, Jodi and Jasmine. Surely, I would retire sometime in the year 2049. I planned by death date one day short of my 100th birthday (I've always been one for irony).
I hung that time line up in my room for quite some time and I thought warmly of this perfect little future.
But life happens. I didn't get my driver's license until after my 17th birthday because I was always too busy with theater and church events to practice my driving. My high school graduation date was predetermined, but I wore a different color cap and gown from the picture I drew in 6th grade. I graduated from college in 2006 as predicted, but I didn't immediately go into veterinary (or any grad school for that matter) school. It's already 2009, but I'm already married. And he doesn't have a mustache.
I've just been rejected (again) for grad school. I'm old enough to know that life doesn't always follow the path that we'd like it to take, but I honestly feel very lost at the moment. I don't know what my next step should be.
Being rejected from school, when it's the thing you want most in the world at the moment, isn't just hard. It's soul crushing. I am listless. I have very little motivation. I feel out of control. When I found out, I threw on my running clothes and ran until my lungs burned and my heart was threatening to jump out of my chest. I got in my car and cranked the music so loud the windows shook. I drowned out my thoughts.
I'm seeking salvation. I could win the lottery. I could drink myself under the table. I could have a baby. I could write the great American novel. I could start my own business. Anything at this point to define myself and give my life purpose.
I'm blessed, I know. I have a loving husband who would jump through hoops of fire just to see me smile. I have a family who loves me despite everything. I have a roof over my head. But I still can't help feel like a failure. The time line still haunts me.
It's already 2009. How am I supposed to go to grad school, establish a career, and have twin baby girls before my 29th birthday?
~LOVE~
